It is no longer His Fault. It is mine.
I stand naked in front of the mirror. I wonder if my body is the reason my marriage had to end.
MORE OR LESS BY SHAYNA BROWN 34THPARALLEL MAGAZINE ISSUE 132
Dr Park’s glasses slip to the tip of his nose as he reads over my chart. He gives me a smile. “You’ve gained quite a bit of weight.”
I don’t know what to say. My husband left me for someone half my age and the only place I find satisfaction and comfort now is in a pint of ice cream?
“Well, I think most of that weight gain is my sense of humor, which has definitely grown. Fifteen pounds-worth of humor, probably,” I say.
“And I’d guess about 25 pounds is newly acquired knowledge. Things I didn’t used to know that I know now.” How to split community property in California. How to change your last name back to your maiden name. How to jump around as the ground beneath you shifts and cracks, to avoid being swallowed whole.
“Do you exercise?”
“I go for walks,” I say. “Every evening I walk my dog.”
“And how do you feel about food?” he asks, like it’s a normal question.
“Love it,” I say. “Obviously. I mean, I have a girls dinner group once a month, it’s just, uh, a girls night out kind of thing. Healthy food, though. Mostly.”
“Hmm.” The doctor seems to be judging me and it makes my jaw clench. “Do you need medical assistance to manage your food intake?”
I can’t tell if he’s joking.
When I get home I shower and stand naked in front of the mirror, wondering how I became this person. I run my hands over my body and think how weird it is to have a body and how weird it is for the body to change, just when you’re getting used to it. I wonder if the changing body is the reason the rest of my life had to change, my marriage had to end.
I look in the mirror and I think the doctor is right. I have gained too much weight. It is now a problem.
I decide my husband ended our marriage because of my body. It is no longer His Fault. It is mine. This body’s fault alone.